Seven Notes

 Seven notes to self:

1. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. You may not think you deserve to be treated well, but you do. Let him spoil you and shower you with affection and attention. It’s what you’ve wanted in past relationships, so accept it now.
   
   
2. Every person, every scenario is different – adapt to each one. Just because you weren’t treated as well in the past or felt played, doesn’t mean everyone after is going to be the same. Each individual is their own being with their own set of characteristics, motive, and desires. Don’t let your past keep you from a potential happy future.
   
   
3. Drink more water. Summer may be ending, but this California heat is no joke. Stay hydrated. It’s good for the body – and your skin will appreciate it as well.
   
   

Coffee Talk: Three States

 I realized that I exist in three states of being.

1. Exhaustion: I’m talking mentally, emotionally, and physically. While I’m glad to be able to still work during this ongoing pandemic, it takes its toll. The workload varies from week to week so as much as I try to prepare, it never feels enough. It leaves me mentally exhausted trying to keep up with the demands and expectations. Then between trying to date during a pandemic, family drama, and personal issues – I’m emotionally drained almost every week. Honestly, the past week was probably the first time in a long time that I haven’t felt emotionally drained. Maybe it’s the thrill of talking to someone new. I’m not sure, but I hope this ignorant bliss can keep up for a bit longer. I need a break – ya know?
   
   

Coffee Talk: Sucker for Love

Sometimes I wonder why I always tend to go for the wrong guy. The one who is either emotionally unavailable or too focused on his career. It’s like I tell myself that I want the career driven guy, but then he’s so focused on his career that he “doesn’t have time for a relationship.” Or it’s like they show signs of being emotionally unavailable and I’m out here thinking that I can change their mind. Like girl, please.

If I had known a year ago that the rollercoaster I was about to embark on would be full of so many twists and turns, I might have reconsidered getting on. Don’t get me wrong – I still want love and a committed relationship that hopefully lead to a marriage and family one day. It’s just I forgot how much dating sucks.

Dating as a teen versus dating as an adult has their own set of complications. As teens we don’t have life figured out – we’re just hormonal and full of questions. I thought that surely dating as an adult would be easier. I figured, we’d know what we want and there wouldn’t be these childish games to play anymore. I thought it would be as simple as, “are you looking for a fling or something serious?” “You want a family and kids or nah?” “How about politics and religion? Values and beliefs?” I was so naïve to think that everyone would have it figured out by now.

Coffee Talk: Sometimes I Wonder

 Sometimes I wonder…

• Are you really as busy as you say you are or are you just trying to find a way to slowly pull away and ghost me?
• Do you really like me and want to try this or were you just bored in quarantine and wanted something fun for a moment?
• What did I say to you when I was drunk that night? All I can think is that it’s bad since you won’t tell me and each day we talk less and less.
• If it’s so easy for you to go golfing with your friends, are you roommates really that fussy over you going and hanging out with people? Or are you using them as an excuse to get out of spending time with me?

Coffee Talk: Polar Opposites

Navigating seeing someone who is the polar opposite of me:

1. He always needs to be doing something – working out, playing volleyball, golfing. I’m totally fine just lounging in bed and soaking up the sun, reading a book, or watching a movie or show. I’m willing to compromise and go to the beach or park with him and he can play ball with his friends while I read a book. It’s just that I’m not sure we’re at the level yet – the whole “meet my friends” level. I would love him to meet my bestie, but I don’t want him to feel pressured to do so. And I also don’t want him to feel pressured to introduce me to his friends.
   
   
2. He sleeps early and I’m up late. He tries his best to stay up and hang out when he spends the night. I appreciate the effort and if I don’t have extra guests over, then I’m more than happy to sleep at the same time. It just sucks because sometimes we’ll all be hanging out and he’ll excuse himself to call it a night and then he’s not there to share the moment with. I don’t get to see him often, and I know it’s selfish of me, but I want him to stay up sometimes so that we can make the most of our time together.
   
   
3. He’s not the best at communicating when we’re apart. I’m huge on keeping communication open – even if it’s just for an hour at the end of our day. It helps me feel connected. He doesn’t feel the exact same. If he’s busy or has had a long day, he’s not going to message me because he doesn’t want to have to have a conversation. If he’s free, then sure, he’ll take the time to chat. It’s something that I definitely have to learn to adjust to.
   
   

Coffee Talk: Back to Normal

D and M came back from Maryland and I didn’t realize just how much I missed them. They’re my people – my rock.

 

I’m not close with my family. I’ve tried to be, but ever since the blow out, it’s hard. I can’t ignore blatant wrongs that occurred. I’m still be polite, but there’s a level of respect that’s been lost and who knows if it can ever be regained. Sure, my dad would make sure I ate dinner – though sometimes I wish he would let me be instead of trying to force food at me. Like homie, let me and my disorder repair on its own.

 

With D and M back, things are almost back to normal. Or well, normal between us – some things won’t ever be the same.

Coffee Talk: Simple Pleasures

A few simple pleasures this past week:

• A warm cup of loose-leaf tea in the morning and before bed.
• Shout out to L and P for the birthday gifts that go hand-in-hand. I’m still making my way through the variety of selections, but I think the green teas are my favorite so far.
• Re-watching Grey’s Anatomy to unwind after work.
• How come Meredith never gave that Thorpe guy a second chance when she was ready to start dating? Just wondering. 
• Indulging in some retail therapy – got some new scrunchies, a new dress, and some makeup.
• After the purchase of the dress I realize that this is why my FBI agent keeps putting expensive brands ads on my Instagram feed. I’m the sucker that keeps clicking on the ads too so that probably doesn’t help. Will I regret these purchases? Hello no. I may not be able to wear the dress out anytime soon and I probably won’t do my makeup either, but maybe one day during this pandemic I’ll just say screw it and play dress up for kicks and giggles.

Coffee Talk: July Thoughts

Thoughts I’ve had recently:

1. Do I splurge and buy that $651 vanity? I don’t need a new vanity, but this one looks so sleek and sophisticated. It has a built-in section on the tabletop that would be perfect to hold my skincare products. There are two drawers that I can store backup products, makeup, hair-ties and scrunchies, and other miscellaneous items. But $651. Is it really worth it?
   
   
2. Should I buy a new bookcase? My current one is fine, but it doesn’t really match the rest of my furniture and that kind of bugs me. I’d also like a bookcase with option for storage to hold files, important documents, bills, etc. But again, like the vanity, does I really need it right now?
   
   
3. Am I in the right frame of mind to start working out on a regular basis again? I want to say recovery is going well, but that’s a lie – I mean I had that lapse a few weekends ago. If I start working out, will I be able to recognize when to stop and when I’ve gone too far? I’m scared that if I start working out regularly again that I’m going to slip back into old habits of over doing it to lose weight and stay “skinny.” My therapists say that I won’t know till I try, but when do I know I’m ready to try? How do I know?
   

Coffee Talk: Fight

My therapists say that humans are innately harsh on themselves – minus egotistical and self-absorbed people. They tell me that it’s normal to live in a state of wanting to constantly improve. Dr. J used to tell me each session, that my ability to recognize that I’m not “perfect” is what keeps me from being similar to a serial killer or psychopath. While that’s a comforting thought, it doesn’t make recovery any easier.

 

They say that my eating disorder has twisted my mentality into believing that not only do I need to be perfect – flawless – but also if I fail once at something, then I’m always going to fail. Dr. A says I’m holding onto my past experiences and focusing on the negative. I’m not seeing my previous attempts to beat my disorder as a positive indication of wanting to improve, but rather as a reminder that I’ve failed. She’s says I’m doing it with all aspects of my life. I’m letting one minor setback dictate the end result.

Coffee Talk: Miss Me

You text me and say that you miss me. You text me and say that you enjoy spending time with me. But sometimes I wonder how that can be true. Every time we hang out you spend the majority of the time asleep. When you aren’t sleeping, you’re trying to sleep with me. So which part of missing me and spending time with me do you really miss? The sex? Because there’s not much conversation going on in-person – not much can go on when you’re passed out. And let’s be real, you get plenty of sleep at home. So really, what do you miss?

Coffee Talk: What Now

Things at home have always been tumulus and rocky, but the past week launched the dynamic into a whole new atmosphere. Despite how tense things would get a home, I was sure that we could always work through it. Maybe not completely, but we could at least exist somewhat peacefully. Given the current events that have occurred, I don’t think know if we can continue on this path that we’ve been gingerly walking.

 

I’ve always been clear about not wanting to choose sides between my family. I hate hearing them scream and argue with one another. All my life, I’ve done my best to make myself scarce whenever a fight broke out at home. Sure, I would give my opinions when asked, but I would try to see things from both sides. I don’t think I remain neutral in this new territory we’re in though. In this fight, there’s a clear indication of who was in the wrong – there’s no excuse to be made. No way defense to be used.

 

While both parties are taking the appropriate time to get away and let things cool down, I’m not sure there’s a way to fix what has transpired. We were already walking on a wobbly bridge, and now we’re on tightropes. The optimistic and naïve side of me had always hoped that we could make things work no matter what. Reality has slapped me so hard that now I can’t deny that we were holding a ticking time bomb just waiting for the explosion. Well, it looks like we’ve run out of time – and boy was it an explosion. There’s no way we can fully heal from the damage caused. We have to find a new way to move on.

 

I’ve started making plans to put myself in a better and healthier situation, but that’s a “long term” goal so to speak. What do I do in the meantime? Things are definitely not going to be the same and there’s zero chance of it going back to how they used to be. The things said made sure of that. I’ll continue to keep my opinions to myself unless asked. I’ll be polite and cordial, but there’s no denying that there’s a level of respect that’s been lost. So, the question that remains, is where do I go from here?

Coffee Talk: Exhausted

I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’ve been lying to myself saying that everything is fine. Nothing is fine and I think the past week finally broke me.

 

Each day felt like it dragged on and on and on. Each day I woke up and I told myself that I just needed to make it through the day. One more day and then it’s the weekend – just one more day. Then the weekend came, and I thought that I would be fine, but I wasn’t. At least during the week, I could distract myself with my work for the majority of the day. It allowed me to focus on work matters instead of personal matters. The weekend is work-free though. No emails to respond to, phone calls to take. Just two days to spend doing whatever I want, and this weekend, all my mind wanted to do was fight itself. There was no hiding from my emotions and thoughts – everything was fair game during the weekend. The weekend became my enemy.

Coffee Talk: Sometimes I Miss You

Sometimes I miss you. It’s a fleeting feeling – not long enough for it to hurt, but long enough to be noticed.

 

Sometimes I wonder how you’re doing. I think about texting you to check-in. To see if you passed your test to get certified. To ask how your parents are adjusting to the move. How you’re doing being around them so much.

 

As much as I wonder, I’ll never reach out. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m scared you won’t respond. Or perhaps, I’m scared that you will, and you’ll tell me you’re doing great without me. Or possibly, it’s a matter of pride. I’m happy and I’m moving on – talking and seeing new people, focusing on “fixing” myself as you put it – but if I reach out first, does that mean you still have some invisible hold over me?

Coffee Talk: A New Age

I’m turning 28 tomorrow and at a time like this, it feels weird to want to celebrate my birthday. There’s so much tragedy and unjust in the world – especially as of late – that to take the time to celebrate feels selfish.

 

I spent the weekend “celebrating” my birthday and it’s been bittersweet. I was finally able to see my K and M after months of being apart. I got to spend a relaxing day with my M, D, and C. It’s a weird feeling though to feel momentarily happy while the rest of the world is in chaos. There’s a large part of me that feels like I should be putting all my attention on educating myself on Black Lives Matter and the struggles POC have suffer through on a daily basis. It’s almost like by celebrating my birthday further emphasizes my privilege because I have the opportunity to acknowledge that I’m turning a new age.

Coffee Talk: Black Lives Matter

In light of recent events, I wanted to share my thoughts on the protests going on. Now please bear in mind that I am still trying to educate myself, and in a way, will always still be learning about the struggles that black people face. I apologize if I offend anyone, but I simply want to give an insight into my perspective on things.

Now, I’m not blind to racism. My family was good about making sure I understood how to recognize it and teaching me to stand up for myself and others if I see it happening. Though I am a minority and have faced slight racism growing up, it’s nothing compared to what the black community has had to face their entire lives. Sure, I’ve been called “chink” and had people mock me in “Asian” accents, but I don’t think that’s nearly the same as the things the black community has faced. I’ve never had to fear for my life from authority figures or even regular people. Maybe recently in light of the coronavirus, but even then, not to the extent that black people deal with on the daily basis since forever.

Coffee Talk: Jaded

Here’s something I realized the other day: society has really fucked me up. Things are so backwards or confusing. What once would have been considered normal is now a rarity or anomaly.

Take the terms beautiful and gorgeous for example. Instead of being told I’m beautiful or gorgeous it’s always “oh you’re so cute,” “damn you’re hot,” or “you look sexy in that.” Until the other night I literally hadn’t been told I was beautiful and gorgeous in probably ages. Conversely, I can’t think of the last time I referred to a guy as handsome. What’s happened to make things change so much? Words that were once used all the time as a person’s physical description has become almost obsolete. It’s almost as if we’ve become so wrapped up in the “lust” aspect of the outer physical appearances that we’ve stopped appreciating a person’s beauty.

Coffee Talk: Staying Afloat

It’s day #unknown of quarantine. I miss my friends terribly.

I do miss them terribly and though we stay in touch, it’s not the same. I miss our weekly dinners and being able to hug them. I didn’t realize how little I took those dinners for granted.

Nothing prepared me to know that the last time I saw K and M at Chan Chan’s would be the last time I’d be able to hug them for a long time. If I had known I would have suggested that we get dessert or head to Spectrum and window shop. Anything to spend a few extra moments with them.

With the majority of us being summer babies, I’d had hoped that quarantine would be over by now. The closer it draws to June, the less hopeful I am that I’ll be able to celebrate M and mine’s birthday with them like I’d become accustomed to. It sucks, but now I’m just hoping that we’ll be able to celebrate K’s birthday in July. If this can all just be over in July that would be grand. We’d still have to celebrate K and August to celebrate A. We’d have two months left of summer to enjoy in the sun together. I just need to hope for the best.

Coffee Talk: Lessons from Mom and Popo

Today is Mother’s Day. What better way to honor the Mother’s around the world than to share the five biggest lessons from the Mother’s in my life. This one is for the two women who raised me: my Mom and my Popo.

1. Skincare is important: Every morning and every evening my Popo would stand in the front of the bathroom mirror and go through her skincare routine. It went face wash, face cream, powder, lip stick or lip balm, body lotion. It was no elaborate 7-step routine, but it worked for her. She never missed a day. She’s the one who got me to pay attention to my skincare. She bought me lotions and creams – all of which led me to where I am today in my own skincare routine.
2. Makeup doesn’t define my beauty: Growing up, I was never allowed to wear makeup with the exception for band competitions and prom. On the day-to-day basis, I was lucky to even be allowed to wear lip gloss – a feat that took lots of begging and assistance from my Popo to convince my mom to let me do. While I didn’t understand my mother’s stance on makeup when I was a teen, I get it now. She was teaching me to be comfortable in my own skin. She didn’t want me to feel the need to have makeup to feel beautiful. Now that I’m older, I still don’t wear makeup on a daily basis. That isn’t to say I’m confident in my looks, rather that I know it isn’t necessary. At the end of the day, with or without makeup I know that to someone out there, I am beautiful. We all are.
   

Coffee Talk: Change

Change. Why is it that change can be so easy one moment and then difficult the next?

Throughout life we go through many changes – some easier than others. The way I see it, there are four levels of change.

Level 1: Changes that naturally happen without us having to think about it. For instance, your height. You don’t have to do anything in order to grow – it just naturally happens because it’s what the human body does.

Level 2: Optional changes. Things like cutting your hair, changing fashion styles, deciding to take a vacation, etc. These changes are all decisions you make, but don’t require much effort. Maybe a little bit of back and forth in your head, but you can make a decision and be happy with it.

Level 3: Changes you might not necessarily want to make, but you know you should. Perhaps your doctor advises you to cut back on the soda and junk food. You love soda and junk food, but you know they given advice is for the better of your health, so you cut down on your intake. You aren’t necessarily doing it because you’re happy about it, but rather because you know it’s what will make your body happy.

And finally, level 4.

Coffee Talk: Moving On

You said from the start that you were scared of hurting me. Well guess what – I’m hurt. I won’t tell you though because I don’t want you to feel bad. There’s no point hurting you just because you hurt me. Instead, I’m moving on with my life.

I’m back on the apps and I’m honestly doing fine. Sure, there are moments of sadness over losing what we had, but I’m not letting that hold me back. I’m out here meeting new people and having good conversations. Some people may disagree with how I’m proceeding, but I honestly don’t care what they think. I know what I want in life and I’m going to get it.

 

I want someone I can form a genuine bond with. Someone who is 100% real, vulnerable, and honest with me because if I’m going to be giving them the real me, then I expect the same in return. I’m looking for someone that I could form something long term with. I want someone who wants a family and shares the same values and beliefs. I’m never going to find this person if I just sit here and think, “oh boo hoo – all these boys do is break hearts.” No, if I want it then I’ve got to get out there – figuratively speaking given the current state of the world – and make connections.

Now, it’s not like I’m out here expecting every boy I talk to to be “the one,” but I’m keeping my options open in the hopes of finding him. Maybe along the way I’m going to meet a lot of other “heartbreakers” and people who aren’t chasing the same dream, but hey there’s no harm in making more friends. For now, all these guys are simply possibilities. Maybe we’re better off friends and maybe we can be more. Only time will tell how it will all pan out.

I do admit that after being broken so many times, I am being more cautious with these guys. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still being real with them and I’m not out here proactively hiding secrets or lying. If anything, I’m just making sure I’m not getting attached too quickly too soon. My biggest flaw that I’ve learned from my past experiences is that I want so badly to believe that everyone deserves my love when in reality not everyone is worthy of having it. I’m sorry if that comes off as being conceited, but it’s true. The love I have to give is just as valuable as anyone else’s and the guy I end up with is going to realize this and appreciate having it. He won’t take it for granted.

I do hope that y’all can understand where I’m coming from since it’s basically the same approach one would take in chasing their dream job. It’s just in this case I’m chasing my dream relationship. If you can’t understand that then that’s fine, but just remember that’s your opinion. I don’t need your judgment. I don’t need lectures and “I told you so’s.” I need you to do you, while I do me and that’s it.

Coffee Talk: Gardens

I started planting a garden. Not a physical one – a mental one. I’d plant a seed for each memorable moment – like our second date. These seeds were nurtured and watered through our conversations and the little things we did. Every quick kiss in passing and morning whispers were little sprinkles of water. Every cuddle session and mealtime were rays of sunlight. The more memories we created the more seeds I planted and the more there was to nurture.

Physical gardens take work and face environmental changes. My mental garden is no different. When we were quarantined together my garden was thriving off. There were so many memories, conversations, cuddle sessions, and kisses and hugs to provide my garden. I didn’t have to worry about each seed and flower getting enough love and attention. Each one was thriving, and my garden was expanding. Then I came home.

Coffee Talk: Week One

Week 1 update of Self-Isolating in my own home without you. Here it goes.

Saturday evening: We spent as much of the day as we could together before you had to drop me off, so we’ll just count the evening without you. I did my laundry and cried – a lot.

Sunday: I started the mini bedroom makeover/purge. I swept and dusted. I went through my perfume collection and got rid of anything I didn’t wear. The collection has gone from roughly 20+ bottles of perfume to just 3 bottles, so I call that a pretty big accomplishment. I took down my fairy lights and hung up a fake vine lighting situation. You said I should do a jungle theme. I told you that I’m going for a Romeo and Juliet vibe – romance and death.

 

Monday – Thursday: We’re just going to bunch these days together because all I really did was wake up and work. Thursday evening was nice though. We used the video call option on Snapchat and even though you mostly played video games the entire time, it was just good to see your face again. I didn’t want to hang up, so you let me keep the call going all night. It was almost like being there with you.

Friday: I got to wake up to you telling me good morning. And just like when I was with you, you told me, “it’s early – go back to bed.” I cried because in my mind, I could feel you kissing my forehead as you said this – it’s what you did every morning. We spent an hour just lying there on the video call not really saying much, just enjoying each other’s company. It was the perfect start to my day. I tried to have a Zoom and Wine night with my besties, but we’re all fools and couldn’t figure out Zoom so we switched to a different platform. It was nice to catch up with everyone. I realized just how much I miss them and how I never truly appreciated being able to go out and have a meal with them.

Yesterday and today: I’ve finished the mini bedroom makeover/purge. I have compiled three garbage bags full of items to donates – clothes, bags, books, miscellaneous items. There’s a small bag of clothes that aren’t in good condition so I’m going to take them to H&M to be recycled. I bought another fake vine lighting thing from Target and hung it above the other one then hung some art prints from them. Now you think it gives off a holiday vibe. I had to remind you I’m going for romance and death ala Romeo and Juliet. I finally hung up the art print T got me years ago of Kiki and Jiji from Kiki’s Delivery Service and made a mini art wall. Oh, and I finally put up the bag hook on my door. It will not be used for my bags – it will be used to hold my outfits for the next day. Quick note: you actually shouldn’t hang your bags – it wears down the handles/straps faster. Personally, with my eating disorder I never kept food in my room. Now that I’m WFH though, I didn’t want to keep leaving my room to get a snack. The solution – I made a snack basket and put all the snacks you bought me. It’s by my bedroom door so I don’t feel too bad about it being here. Who knows, maybe having it there will help me with my disorder. Only time will tell.

Overall update: I have cried every day since we’ve been apart. I’ve also gotten angry with you a few times. The thing is, this is a good test for us. We’ve tested our ability to live together. Now we’re testing our ability to stay connected even when apart. It’s also teaching me to not rely on you to keep me from getting in my head about my disorder and depression. I’m learning to be self-reliant and find ways of coping on my own. So, while this week apart has been a true struggle for me emotionally, I am starting to really incorporate all the things Dr. A and Dr. J have taught me in my therapy sessions. I’m learning to be comfortable around food and acknowledging when I’m hungry by having a snack basket in my bedroom. I’m acknowledging my emotions, but not letting it consume me by immersing myself in another task. This past weekend was giving my bedroom a mini cleanse. Clearing out my room helped me to cleanse my headspace and soul. My room feels lighter and brighter and so do I.

Coffee Talk: Three Steps

You asked me to promise to work on myself during our time apart. I promised – not exactly in words because I was too busy crying – but I promised. I plan on keeping that promise.

I know it hurts you to see me so pained, discouraged, and broken inside. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I have been so stuck in this vicious cycle that it’s often hard for me to even see an end to this depression. Now that I’m home, I want to try to find small ways to fight my demons.

Coffee Talk: Little Victories

We’re going to keep this sweet and short today.

I feel like there is so much negativity and sadness surrounding the state we’re currently living in and I understand it. There’s a surge of racism and violence against the Asian community. People are being laid off – whether temporarily or permanently. There’s a shortage of necessary supplies and this virus is killing people all over the world and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down. We’re told to stay home and only go out for necessities. Parks, shopping centers, movie theaters, and any other large place of gathering has been shut down. Even the park by D’s house has been tapped off with caution tape so that the kids can’t play on the playground.

At the end of the day though, we’re all still human and this lack of social interaction can be depressing. And this is coming from someone who identifies as an introvert – even introverts need to be able to go out every once in a while in my opinion.

 

This past Thursday I had a mental breakdown and while it sucked to experience, it couldn’t have come at a better time. That very same day I had a pre-scheduled therapy session with Dr. A – via phone of course to be safe. She reassured me that in moments like these where there is so much uncertainty in the world, it’s completely reasonable and understandable for anyone to experience a breakdown. She told me that it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling whether that’s sadness, anger, or gratitude. She said it’s okay to cry if I feel it becomes too much for me to internalize. And that’s what I want to tell you. It’s okay.

Feel however you’re feeling. Express it however you need to get your feelings and thoughts processed. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to go out because you feel like a caged animal, then go out. Obviously still be practicing safety – 6-feet apart, washing your hands when you get home, etc. – but go for a quick run or walk around your neighborhood. Call or text your loved ones if you need to talk to someone. Maybe take up a new hobby or get back into one you previously had.

Here’s what I’ve done and maybe it’ll help you:

·      Having an early night: Even when I’m not at D’s I’ve been trying to sleep earlier so that I wake up more refreshed and ready to tackle the day.

·      Making the bed each morning: Sure, I’m WFH, but making the bed each morning makes me feel like I’m still going through the process of actually “going” to work.

·      Cooking: This plays into trying to keep up with my eating disorder recovery, but it also helps me find balance in my day. It gives me something to do other than work all day.

·      Instagram story templates: There are so many of these templates circulating on peoples Insta stories. I’ve never personally been one to do them, but now I do one once a day to have something less serious to think about for just a few moments.

·      Snacks or dessert before bed: I’ve been enjoying a treat before bed almost as a type of reward to myself to making it through the day. Did I work today? Yes? Here’s a Nosa Honey yogurt. Did I take a walk today despite my social anxiety? Yes? Here’s a handful of Starbursts. It’s all about the little victories right now.

Coffee Talk: Five Nights and Four Days

Five nights and four days. That’s how long I got to be in your world during this time of quarantine. It was five nights and four days of seeing what your day-to-day is like. Seeing what our day-to-day could be like.

I know that there’s panic and chaos in the world right now, but you gave me serenity and safety. You helped me find a sense of normality in the midst of all this chaos. We went grocery shopping for necessities. At night we cooked dinners together – though let’s be real, it was mainly you cooking and me “attempting” to be useful. After I finished work, we went on random drives or short walks just to get out of the house for a bit. You would check on me throughout the day to see how I was doing and if I needed to vent you would listen.

My favorite part of our days were the beginning and end. Every morning you would quietly sneak out of bed, give me a kiss on the head before you left for a run or walk, shower, and then crawl back into bed and cuddle me as I slowly woke up. Every night we would eat snacks in bed while on our phones – mostly me – and  cuddle while talking about random things till we fell asleep.

To be able to experience these past few days with you was almost like a dream. Just like any dream though, there’s a point where you need to wake up and I didn’t want to. I knew that the moment I woke up, my mind would play tricks on me, and I was right. Suddenly I’m questioning everything.

Coffee Talk: Sprinkles of Joys

The past few weeks have been a real struggle. Between everything going on in the world – I’m looking at you COVID-19 – and the little things in my own little world, I feel like I’m barely keeping it together. I’ve had multiple mental breakdowns. There was even one day where I literally began and ended the day in tears. I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.

There’s a part of me that feels like I’m barely staying afloat. The other day I was literally struggling to keep a positive mindset. Then I remembered what Dr. J told me to do on bad days – find something that brings me even just a glimmer of light on my dark days. Since I can’t seem to do this in the moment, I figured what better way to remember than to just write it down.

So here we go. Here are the little sprinkles of joys in my life right now:

1. Getting a new tattoo: I’ve wanted it for months and just kept putting off. I finally got it and I couldn’t be happier.
2. Writing once a week: This started off as a recommendation from my therapists, but it has allowed me to get back in-touch with myself and what I truly enjoy.
3. Samara: I had the opportunity to speak with the founder of one of my favorite companies of all time. It was honestly such a humbling experience to be able to get to know more about the company and what she stands for. I love the brand even more than I did before.
4. My best friends: They continue to be my rock during these times. They help me laugh and not take life too seriously all the time. They give me sound advice and loving slaps back to reality when I’m slipping off the edge.
5. Rainy days: Yes, I hate driving in the rain. And yes, I hate cold weather. But when the sun peaks out for even just a little bit, it makes me appreciate those warmer days just a little more. It also gets me excited for spring and summer. Besides, California could always use some rain.
6. Dinner: I’m still uneasy about eating – thank you eating disorder – but I look forward to dinners now. Dinners mean that there’s a 75% chance that I get to see you. Sure, it may take us a while to decide what to eat and then where to go to get it, but it’s time I get to spend with you. It’s what I look forward to on really rough days.
7. Overnights at your house: You’ve helped me appreciate early nights. I’m still not a huge fan of early mornings, but I’m getting there. You feed me yummy snacks before bed with no judgment. I get to fall asleep and wake up to cuddles. What more could a girl ask for?

These are my “silver linings” and I’m going to hold onto them for dear life. Or at least till life calms down and I feel like I can breathe again.

Coffee Talk: 110 108 103

To eat or not to eat – that is the question.

And it’s a question that I have asked myself on the daily since I was 12 years old.

There have been multiple times when I’ve tried to break my disorder on my own. I would last a month here and there, but then I’d fall right back into my old tricks. I was good at hiding it. No, scratch that – I am good at hiding it. I can always find an excuse to eat the smallest amount possible or not at all. With family, I can always say, “I’ll buy or order something later” or “I already ate.” At work, I always say that there’s too much to get done to stop and eat.

I know it’s not healthy to live this way. I know that this needs to change, but how to do you break a habit that’s you’ve gone 15 years of your life doing?

 

I’ve started seeing therapists for my disorder back in December and they were able to diagnose me. Anorexia Nervosa – that’s what it is. They told me that there was a study conducted that found that there is something in a person’s genetics that can make them more inclined to develop Anorexia Nervosa. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse knowing this information. On the one hand, it’s like saying you were born with this “defect” so it’s not your fault. On the other, it feels like I was doomed from the start.

My therapists are helping me find ways to overcome my disorder and I’m trying my best to follow their advice and tips.

One of the biggest things they want me to try to work on is not weighing myself daily. Every morning and night I would – and sometimes still do – weigh myself. The number that shows up determines how much I eat. I can gain a single pound and it’s like I can immediately see it, which is ridiculous. Dr. J says that I need to train myself to understand that logically speaking, we can’t actually see ourselves gain or lose a few pounds – we need to gain or lose a lot to see the difference. The day to day fluctuations I see in my body are a result of the number I see on the scale.

At the beginning of every session Dr. A weighs me to see if there has been a dramatic shift in my weight. Since I’ve started seeing her and Dr. J, I feel like I’ve improved. I’ve gone from weighing myself twice a day to just once a day in the morning. I know it’s not much and that they would prefer I stopped weighing myself on a daily basis, but baby steps ya know? Or at least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself. The thing is, after my last session, I realized I wasn’t actually getting better like I thought I was.

When I first saw Dr. A, in December I was 110 lbs. At my second session in January she weighed me at 108 lbs. During my most recent session I weighed in at 103 lbs. The disorder in me instantly thought two things: 1. Awesome! I lost 5 lbs and 2. That’s still too heavy.

Dr. A only thought one thing: You lost 5 lbs in one month – this isn’t healthy.

She had me talk through it to see what may have caused me to lose so much weight in such a short amount of time. Was I stressed at work? Yes. Was I weighing myself twice a day still? No. Was I weighing myself in the morning? Yes. Was I still working out 5 times a week? Yes. Was I eating regularly? Sometimes. And that’s when I realized, I wasn’t getting better like I thought because I’m still letting the number on the scale dictate my life.

Since that session I've found myself falling back into my old habits. I’m skipping meals and making the same old excuses. There’s too much work to get done. It’s too late to eat a meal. I ate a big meal earlier so I shouldn’t eat again. I’ll just eat a mint or drink some tea or water to satisfy my hunger cravings. It feels like all the effort that I’ve spent trying to overcome my disorder the past 2-3 months have been for nothing.

I know that Dr. A and J told me that my disorder is never going to completely go away, but I thought that I was at least making some improvements. After that last session though, it doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to get better – not even in the slightest. And honestly, I’ve never felt more discouraged than I do right now.

I can’t let that stop me though. I need to remember that there are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. How I react is going to determine my will to recover. I can be upset at my progress and give up. Or I can use that disappointment to fuel my desire to heal. I choose the latter.

Coffee Talk: Everything and Nothing

“Be careful.” “Take things slow.” That’s what my mom keeps telling me. I should listen to her because it’s only the beginning and you already have me feeling some type of way.

We spend the majority of our time talking. Anything and everything that comes to mind we discuss. We can be silly, serious, and emotional and yet remain completely free of judgement. We’ve shared the things – both good and bad – that have happened and how it’s made us the people we are today. You indulge me and answer all the random questions I think up and never complain – even after you spent an entire afternoon answering them. We talk about what we want and what our intentions are. Right now, we’re on the same wavelength and as much as it excites me, it just as equally terrifies me.

Coffee Talk: Choose Your Team

There are three places to be in the Lee clan:

1.    Team Dad

2.     Team Mom

3.     Team No One

Let’s break it down.

Coffee Talk: Fairytales

Once upon a time…

When I heard that as a child, I knew I was in for a good old fairytale. One about a damsel in distress, a villain, and a prince who saves the day. Fairytales made me believe in “happily ever after’s” and Prince Charming. Society reinforced this idea.

Fairytales taught me that a knight in shining armor would always rescue the girl. Society taught me that a man should be able to provide for his family. Both taught me that the man should treat his partner like a queen or king. Things have changed though.

The damsel in distress can also be the knight in shining armor. It’s okay for the female to provide for the family. A girl doesn’t need a man to be the queen she was born to be.

The independent part of me says, “hell yeah! I don’t need a man to treat me like the queen I know I am. I am more than capable of slaying my own dragons.” The hopeless romantic in me says, “but I want him to.” And that’s what I’ve been struggling with these past eight months.

All my life, I’ve had people treat me like the princess I’d been taught about through fairytales and societal expectations. I was spoiled and accustomed to it. When I started dating again, I realized not everyone thinks the same way as me. Suddenly I’m having to open my own doors on dates. Pull out my own chair. Carry my own bags. Either walk faster to keep up or accept that I’ll always be a step behind. Be the first to reach out. These small things may be the norm for some, but not to me. To me, this new dating experience is a whole new world.

These experiences have made me feel like romance is dead and like I’ve been living in a fairytale. J told me otherwise. She said, “I don’t think it’s completely dead. There are some guys out there that will go above and beyond for you. I know he’s out there!” And she’s right.

I need to have faith that God has my Prince Charming out there somewhere trekking along in his own storyline until our paths meet. The man God has for me will treat me like a princess, but also understand that I am capable of taking care of myself.

He will open doors and pull out chairs. If I have a lot of bags, he’ll carry them even though he knows I’m strong enough to carry them myself. When we go out, he will offer to pay but also be okay if we split or take turns picking up the check. When we’re walking, he’ll walk beside me at a neutral pace for the two of us. When it’s crowded, he’ll hold my hand to guide me. He will send me random texts or call me to let me know he’s thinking of me and misses me.

All these little things that may be trivial to some but mean a great deal to me, he’ll do and not because I expect it or because society says so. He’ll do them because he cares. And sure, maybe it’s silly to expect these things. But maybe it’s also okay to still want them. I mean, is it wrong to want to be swept off my feet? To believe in “happily ever after?” Because if it is, then I guess I’ll be waiting forever for my Prince to come.

Coffee Talk: Dear Boys

Musicians have their songs. I’m not a singer or lyricist. Laura Jean had her letters. I can write.

These are mine.

Dear first kiss,

You kissed me during recess, over the railings where our classrooms met. You had kissed plenty of girls and everyone knew it. I hadn’t kissed anyone yet. Everyone knew I had a crush on you, but you were indifferent. You stole my first kiss all because you couldn’t take a little teasing from your bros. Thank you for being the first boy to make me feel like my feelings didn’t matter.

Glow Up: Cleaning Up

Change isn’t necessarily an easy path to take. If it were, people would be changing aspects of their lives all the time. Physical, mental, emotional, financial, etc. – I’ve been trying to make changes in my life for years now. This year, I want to stop saying “I’ll change” and actually do it.

Number 1: Go cruelty-free and clean.

Now let me clarify what I mean by going cruelty-free and clean. For me, right now I want to start by taking small steps. Beauty wise, I will be shopping from cruelty-free brands – if they end up being vegan then that’s even better. Skincare, I want to be more in-depth and go with brands that are cruelty-free and clean.

Coffee Talk: Loving You Loving Me

Everyone told me that I would be okay. You told me that I would be okay. I didn’t believe any of you, but you were all right. I am okay.

When everything was so fresh and raw, I didn’t see an end to the heartbreak. I couldn’t imagine dating other people or loving someone the way I loved you. The idea made me anxious and sad. You had become the person that I wanted to try things with. The one I want to go through life with. To grow with. That’s how I felt, and I believed I would always feel that way. I couldn’t imagine that someday soon those feelings and thoughts would stop.

That’s the funny thing about our emotions though isn’t it? How you can go from being shattered and broken to healed all in one day. At least, that’s how it happened for me. Not all at one once mind you, but gradually. It took me a while to heal and figure out how to go about my days without you. Once I got there though, it only took a single moment, a single thought, to realize that I really was okay.

Coffee Talk: Repairing the Heart

Moving on is never easy. Everyone always has a different “cure” for a broken heart. Here are all the things I’ve heard:

1.     Don’t shut the world out or stay locked away in your room

2.     Find ways to keep busy or occupied

3.     Block and unfollow him on all accounts

4.     Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of him

5.     Don’t listen to love songs or sad songs

6.     Don’t do anything rash to change your appearance

7.     Indulge in your favorite snacks aka eat your feelings

8.     Cry if you need to

9.     Talk about it to someone

10.  “To get over him, get under a new one”

Coffee Talk: End of K

While scrolling through my Instagram feed to distract myself, I stumbled upon a poem. It goes:

That’s the worst thing about love, isn’t it?

It can happen

Like a sudden flash of lightning

Then leave

And leave every part of you

Shocked

And changed

And more empty

Than you ever thought you could be.

by AVA. (Instagram: @vav.ava)

That’s exactly what you did to me. You came into my life. I fell madly and deeply for you. You left. Now I’m broken.