“Be careful.” “Take things slow.” That’s what my mom keeps telling me. I should listen to her because it’s only the beginning and you already have me feeling some type of way.
We spend the majority of our time talking. Anything and everything that comes to mind we discuss. We can be silly, serious, and emotional and yet remain completely free of judgement. We’ve shared the things – both good and bad – that have happened and how it’s made us the people we are today. You indulge me and answer all the random questions I think up and never complain – even after you spent an entire afternoon answering them. We talk about what we want and what our intentions are. Right now, we’re on the same wavelength and as much as it excites me, it just as equally terrifies me.
I know we’re only in the beginning phases, but I’ve never felt so content. Sometimes when you ask how I’m feeling all I can say is that, “I’m content.” I’m not even sure if that’s the right word I want to use to sum up my current state, but it’s the only way I can try to make you understand how you make me feel without being too mushy.
You make me feel seen and heard and wanted. You may not fully understand what I’m going through, but you try. You ask questions to learn how you can help. You offer suggestions and advice – things I can implement to deal with things in the moment. You try to make me laugh if I look like I need cheering up, but you never force to me ignore my feelings. I’ve always been one to wear my heart on my sleeves, but you take it a step further. You read me like a book – I can’t hide from you. You see past my walls so easily. As vulnerable as you make me feel, you never make me feel ashamed of my emotions or thoughts. Instead, you help me talk through them – even if it hurts you.
You show me so much care and concern that I worry that I’m not giving you the same in return. I worry that as open as you’re allowing me to be that maybe there’s a part of you that I’m neglecting to give equal attention to.
Despite how content I feel, there’s also a part of me that’s scared. We talked about this fear that I have a bit this weekend. I’m trying so hard to just be present and live in the moment, but there’s this nagging thought in the back of my mind that tells me, “here we go again. Another boy you’ll fall in love with and receive nothing in return.” I know that I can’t keep thinking this way if I want to give us a fair shot. I can’t keep waiting and expecting for you to break my heart. It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to us.
I want so badly to believe that things are going to work out for us, but I’m not God. I don’t get to decide how things play out. I can only hope for the best. I’m trying to keep an open mind and just enjoy us as we are, but I’m scared. So incredibly scared. I don’t want either us to get hurt, but at the same time I don’t want to not try to take this path with you.
The other day, I asked you if you would rather have loved and lost or never loved at all. You went with loved and lost and I agree. That’s how I need to look at what we have right now. I’d rather take the chance and see where we can go, then to never get these moments with you.
I want the late-night talks turned into early morning continuations because you’re not a night owl like me. I want the mid-day texts to see how our days are going or see if I need help with work. I want the hour-long conversations about anything and everything. I want us to catch each other staring for no reason at all. I want to hold your hand as you drive us with no destination in mind. I want those “what do you want to eat” discussions that take us a good few minutes – if not longer – to even decide. I want to feel your arms around me when I wake up and for you to hold me because I had a bad dream. I want to go for walks outside with you because we need to “recharge my energy.” I want you to reassure me that it’s okay to eat more, to drink more, to have more of anything because it’s human. I want to learn as much as I can about you while you learn about me. I want the lazy days and the busy days.
I want to do everything and nothing with you.
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