Coffee Talk: Three States

 I realized that I exist in three states of being.

1. Exhaustion: I’m talking mentally, emotionally, and physically. While I’m glad to be able to still work during this ongoing pandemic, it takes its toll. The workload varies from week to week so as much as I try to prepare, it never feels enough. It leaves me mentally exhausted trying to keep up with the demands and expectations. Then between trying to date during a pandemic, family drama, and personal issues – I’m emotionally drained almost every week. Honestly, the past week was probably the first time in a long time that I haven’t felt emotionally drained. Maybe it’s the thrill of talking to someone new. I’m not sure, but I hope this ignorant bliss can keep up for a bit longer. I need a break – ya know?
   
   

Coffee Talk: Sucker for Love

Sometimes I wonder why I always tend to go for the wrong guy. The one who is either emotionally unavailable or too focused on his career. It’s like I tell myself that I want the career driven guy, but then he’s so focused on his career that he “doesn’t have time for a relationship.” Or it’s like they show signs of being emotionally unavailable and I’m out here thinking that I can change their mind. Like girl, please.

If I had known a year ago that the rollercoaster I was about to embark on would be full of so many twists and turns, I might have reconsidered getting on. Don’t get me wrong – I still want love and a committed relationship that hopefully lead to a marriage and family one day. It’s just I forgot how much dating sucks.

Dating as a teen versus dating as an adult has their own set of complications. As teens we don’t have life figured out – we’re just hormonal and full of questions. I thought that surely dating as an adult would be easier. I figured, we’d know what we want and there wouldn’t be these childish games to play anymore. I thought it would be as simple as, “are you looking for a fling or something serious?” “You want a family and kids or nah?” “How about politics and religion? Values and beliefs?” I was so naïve to think that everyone would have it figured out by now.

Coffee Talk: Sometimes I Wonder

 Sometimes I wonder…

• Are you really as busy as you say you are or are you just trying to find a way to slowly pull away and ghost me?
• Do you really like me and want to try this or were you just bored in quarantine and wanted something fun for a moment?
• What did I say to you when I was drunk that night? All I can think is that it’s bad since you won’t tell me and each day we talk less and less.
• If it’s so easy for you to go golfing with your friends, are you roommates really that fussy over you going and hanging out with people? Or are you using them as an excuse to get out of spending time with me?

Coffee Talk: Polar Opposites

Navigating seeing someone who is the polar opposite of me:

1. He always needs to be doing something – working out, playing volleyball, golfing. I’m totally fine just lounging in bed and soaking up the sun, reading a book, or watching a movie or show. I’m willing to compromise and go to the beach or park with him and he can play ball with his friends while I read a book. It’s just that I’m not sure we’re at the level yet – the whole “meet my friends” level. I would love him to meet my bestie, but I don’t want him to feel pressured to do so. And I also don’t want him to feel pressured to introduce me to his friends.
   
   
2. He sleeps early and I’m up late. He tries his best to stay up and hang out when he spends the night. I appreciate the effort and if I don’t have extra guests over, then I’m more than happy to sleep at the same time. It just sucks because sometimes we’ll all be hanging out and he’ll excuse himself to call it a night and then he’s not there to share the moment with. I don’t get to see him often, and I know it’s selfish of me, but I want him to stay up sometimes so that we can make the most of our time together.
   
   
3. He’s not the best at communicating when we’re apart. I’m huge on keeping communication open – even if it’s just for an hour at the end of our day. It helps me feel connected. He doesn’t feel the exact same. If he’s busy or has had a long day, he’s not going to message me because he doesn’t want to have to have a conversation. If he’s free, then sure, he’ll take the time to chat. It’s something that I definitely have to learn to adjust to.
   
   

Coffee Talk: Back to Normal

D and M came back from Maryland and I didn’t realize just how much I missed them. They’re my people – my rock.

 

I’m not close with my family. I’ve tried to be, but ever since the blow out, it’s hard. I can’t ignore blatant wrongs that occurred. I’m still be polite, but there’s a level of respect that’s been lost and who knows if it can ever be regained. Sure, my dad would make sure I ate dinner – though sometimes I wish he would let me be instead of trying to force food at me. Like homie, let me and my disorder repair on its own.

 

With D and M back, things are almost back to normal. Or well, normal between us – some things won’t ever be the same.