Coffee Talk: Three Steps

You asked me to promise to work on myself during our time apart. I promised – not exactly in words because I was too busy crying – but I promised. I plan on keeping that promise.

I know it hurts you to see me so pained, discouraged, and broken inside. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I have been so stuck in this vicious cycle that it’s often hard for me to even see an end to this depression. Now that I’m home, I want to try to find small ways to fight my demons.

 

Step 1. Get more comfortable going out:

Today I went out to run some errands. I already have social anxiety and now with this whole COVID-19 situation, the anxiety is heightened. Then you add on my anxiety driving and I’m like a mess. I made a plan though. I wrote down everything I needed, what stores I needed to visit and what the best order to tackle it would be. My dad offered to take me, but he’s in that vulnerable age group so I don’t want him out if he doesn’t need to be. Instead, I asked M and D if they wanted to go out. Thankfully they said yes and that was all I needed to gain even just a smidge of confidence. I was still uncomfortable being in the stores – especially if people got too close – but I was able to get everything on my list.

Step 2. Don’t spend all day sleeping. Instead, find something to do:

I’ve decided to continue reorganizing my room. I didn’t get much accomplished today because my errands took longer than expected, but I was able to at least declutter my dresser/TV stand. I’ve decreased my perfume collection from 20+ bottles to only 3. I realized how ridiculous it was that I had so many perfumes that were either empty or I didn’t even use anymore. It was unnecessary to keep and only created clutter. It’s still messy as I’ve had to move my makeup there while my vanity works as my makeshift desk so I can WFH, but it’s definitely better than before. I also dusted my bookshelf and took down my fairy lights by my bed.

Step 3. Make some goals – short and long-term.

Here’s a short-term goal: I want to redecorate the wall by my bed. The fairy light situation was divine, but I’m craving change. I was thinking about painting it, but 1. Not sure if my parents would be pleased with that and 2. As you pointed out, that would take a lot of time and I would need to move all my furniture. Given this I was thinking about doing something floral. I loved how you have plants on the windowsills of your home and in your bedroom. I wish I could have a live floral wall, but I’ve sadly inherited my mother’s lack of a “green thumb.” I did find this nice fake vine garland. I think it’s supposed to be used as a bottle or lantern decoration, but I’m going to hang it. Maybe I can find other similar products and make my own fake floral wall.

I’m not sure when I’ll see you next, but I hope that when we do, I’ll have made even the slightest improvement so that you won’t worry as much. I love that you care about me and want to help me get better, but sometimes it’s a battle I have to tackle on my own. You’ve helped me realize that and I want to believe that I can do it just like you say I can. I know I can.