Coffee Talk: Moving On

You said from the start that you were scared of hurting me. Well guess what – I’m hurt. I won’t tell you though because I don’t want you to feel bad. There’s no point hurting you just because you hurt me. Instead, I’m moving on with my life.

I’m back on the apps and I’m honestly doing fine. Sure, there are moments of sadness over losing what we had, but I’m not letting that hold me back. I’m out here meeting new people and having good conversations. Some people may disagree with how I’m proceeding, but I honestly don’t care what they think. I know what I want in life and I’m going to get it.

 

I want someone I can form a genuine bond with. Someone who is 100% real, vulnerable, and honest with me because if I’m going to be giving them the real me, then I expect the same in return. I’m looking for someone that I could form something long term with. I want someone who wants a family and shares the same values and beliefs. I’m never going to find this person if I just sit here and think, “oh boo hoo – all these boys do is break hearts.” No, if I want it then I’ve got to get out there – figuratively speaking given the current state of the world – and make connections.

Now, it’s not like I’m out here expecting every boy I talk to to be “the one,” but I’m keeping my options open in the hopes of finding him. Maybe along the way I’m going to meet a lot of other “heartbreakers” and people who aren’t chasing the same dream, but hey there’s no harm in making more friends. For now, all these guys are simply possibilities. Maybe we’re better off friends and maybe we can be more. Only time will tell how it will all pan out.

I do admit that after being broken so many times, I am being more cautious with these guys. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still being real with them and I’m not out here proactively hiding secrets or lying. If anything, I’m just making sure I’m not getting attached too quickly too soon. My biggest flaw that I’ve learned from my past experiences is that I want so badly to believe that everyone deserves my love when in reality not everyone is worthy of having it. I’m sorry if that comes off as being conceited, but it’s true. The love I have to give is just as valuable as anyone else’s and the guy I end up with is going to realize this and appreciate having it. He won’t take it for granted.

I do hope that y’all can understand where I’m coming from since it’s basically the same approach one would take in chasing their dream job. It’s just in this case I’m chasing my dream relationship. If you can’t understand that then that’s fine, but just remember that’s your opinion. I don’t need your judgment. I don’t need lectures and “I told you so’s.” I need you to do you, while I do me and that’s it.

Coffee Talk: Gardens

I started planting a garden. Not a physical one – a mental one. I’d plant a seed for each memorable moment – like our second date. These seeds were nurtured and watered through our conversations and the little things we did. Every quick kiss in passing and morning whispers were little sprinkles of water. Every cuddle session and mealtime were rays of sunlight. The more memories we created the more seeds I planted and the more there was to nurture.

Physical gardens take work and face environmental changes. My mental garden is no different. When we were quarantined together my garden was thriving off. There were so many memories, conversations, cuddle sessions, and kisses and hugs to provide my garden. I didn’t have to worry about each seed and flower getting enough love and attention. Each one was thriving, and my garden was expanding. Then I came home.

Coffee Talk: Week One

Week 1 update of Self-Isolating in my own home without you. Here it goes.

Saturday evening: We spent as much of the day as we could together before you had to drop me off, so we’ll just count the evening without you. I did my laundry and cried – a lot.

Sunday: I started the mini bedroom makeover/purge. I swept and dusted. I went through my perfume collection and got rid of anything I didn’t wear. The collection has gone from roughly 20+ bottles of perfume to just 3 bottles, so I call that a pretty big accomplishment. I took down my fairy lights and hung up a fake vine lighting situation. You said I should do a jungle theme. I told you that I’m going for a Romeo and Juliet vibe – romance and death.

 

Monday – Thursday: We’re just going to bunch these days together because all I really did was wake up and work. Thursday evening was nice though. We used the video call option on Snapchat and even though you mostly played video games the entire time, it was just good to see your face again. I didn’t want to hang up, so you let me keep the call going all night. It was almost like being there with you.

Friday: I got to wake up to you telling me good morning. And just like when I was with you, you told me, “it’s early – go back to bed.” I cried because in my mind, I could feel you kissing my forehead as you said this – it’s what you did every morning. We spent an hour just lying there on the video call not really saying much, just enjoying each other’s company. It was the perfect start to my day. I tried to have a Zoom and Wine night with my besties, but we’re all fools and couldn’t figure out Zoom so we switched to a different platform. It was nice to catch up with everyone. I realized just how much I miss them and how I never truly appreciated being able to go out and have a meal with them.

Yesterday and today: I’ve finished the mini bedroom makeover/purge. I have compiled three garbage bags full of items to donates – clothes, bags, books, miscellaneous items. There’s a small bag of clothes that aren’t in good condition so I’m going to take them to H&M to be recycled. I bought another fake vine lighting thing from Target and hung it above the other one then hung some art prints from them. Now you think it gives off a holiday vibe. I had to remind you I’m going for romance and death ala Romeo and Juliet. I finally hung up the art print T got me years ago of Kiki and Jiji from Kiki’s Delivery Service and made a mini art wall. Oh, and I finally put up the bag hook on my door. It will not be used for my bags – it will be used to hold my outfits for the next day. Quick note: you actually shouldn’t hang your bags – it wears down the handles/straps faster. Personally, with my eating disorder I never kept food in my room. Now that I’m WFH though, I didn’t want to keep leaving my room to get a snack. The solution – I made a snack basket and put all the snacks you bought me. It’s by my bedroom door so I don’t feel too bad about it being here. Who knows, maybe having it there will help me with my disorder. Only time will tell.

Overall update: I have cried every day since we’ve been apart. I’ve also gotten angry with you a few times. The thing is, this is a good test for us. We’ve tested our ability to live together. Now we’re testing our ability to stay connected even when apart. It’s also teaching me to not rely on you to keep me from getting in my head about my disorder and depression. I’m learning to be self-reliant and find ways of coping on my own. So, while this week apart has been a true struggle for me emotionally, I am starting to really incorporate all the things Dr. A and Dr. J have taught me in my therapy sessions. I’m learning to be comfortable around food and acknowledging when I’m hungry by having a snack basket in my bedroom. I’m acknowledging my emotions, but not letting it consume me by immersing myself in another task. This past weekend was giving my bedroom a mini cleanse. Clearing out my room helped me to cleanse my headspace and soul. My room feels lighter and brighter and so do I.

Coffee Talk: Three Steps

You asked me to promise to work on myself during our time apart. I promised – not exactly in words because I was too busy crying – but I promised. I plan on keeping that promise.

I know it hurts you to see me so pained, discouraged, and broken inside. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I have been so stuck in this vicious cycle that it’s often hard for me to even see an end to this depression. Now that I’m home, I want to try to find small ways to fight my demons.