Five nights and four days. That’s how long I got to be in your world during this time of quarantine. It was five nights and four days of seeing what your day-to-day is like. Seeing what our day-to-day could be like.
I know that there’s panic and chaos in the world right now, but you gave me serenity and safety. You helped me find a sense of normality in the midst of all this chaos. We went grocery shopping for necessities. At night we cooked dinners together – though let’s be real, it was mainly you cooking and me “attempting” to be useful. After I finished work, we went on random drives or short walks just to get out of the house for a bit. You would check on me throughout the day to see how I was doing and if I needed to vent you would listen.
My favorite part of our days were the beginning and end. Every morning you would quietly sneak out of bed, give me a kiss on the head before you left for a run or walk, shower, and then crawl back into bed and cuddle me as I slowly woke up. Every night we would eat snacks in bed while on our phones – mostly me – and cuddle while talking about random things till we fell asleep.
To be able to experience these past few days with you was almost like a dream. Just like any dream though, there’s a point where you need to wake up and I didn’t want to. I knew that the moment I woke up, my mind would play tricks on me, and I was right. Suddenly I’m questioning everything.
Had you secretly wanted me to go home sooner in the week? When we went out to get groceries, did my social anxiety annoy you? Every time I asked you to hold my hand or for a hug or peck, did you think I was being too needy and wish I would stop? Every time you had to show or explain simple tasks to me, did you realize more and more that you deserve someone better than me? Do you want someone better? Someone more adept, skilled, experienced? Someone with a higher paying job or established career? Someone who enjoys going out and doesn’t get anxiety over the smallest things? Someone who isn’t damaged or fragile?
As you drove me home this morning, you asked me if anything was wrong. At the time, I was just sad to be going home. I had been spoiled with so much quality time with you and now it’s almost like I’m quitting an addiction cold turkey. You told me that I’d be fine because I had lived life without you before. You’re not wrong. There was a time I knew what it was like to sleep without your arms around me. To go about my day without sneaking in kisses here and there. I wasn’t laughing at silly comments you made or shrieking with joy as you tackled me to the bed in a hug. How could I tell you that I didn’t want to go back to this though? I know you would say I’m being dramatic and emotional – and maybe you’re right. I mean it’s not like we’re never going to see each other again, right?
I’ve done everything I could today to create some sort of distraction for myself. I changed my bed sheets and did my laundry. I moved all but my dinosaur plushies onto the “plushie couch.” I turned my vanity into a makeshift desk so that I can comfortably work from home during the rest of this quarantine. I went through my closet and made a bag of clothes to donate once the California lockdown is over. I reorganized my drawers in the bathroom and finally unboxed my new curling iron. I’ve mindlessly scrolled through Instagram and listened to music. I did all these things and yet the thoughts still linger. I know I should probably talk to you about it, but I feel like you need your space right now. You have your own things to handle and my self-doubts will only add to your plate.
For now, I’m just going to try to find my own form of normalcy in quarantine. First things first, survive the dreadful Monday blues. If I can survive that, then maybe, just maybe, I can survive quarantine and all the insecurities it’s brought to surface.
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