Coffee Talk: End of K

While scrolling through my Instagram feed to distract myself, I stumbled upon a poem. It goes:

That’s the worst thing about love, isn’t it?

It can happen

Like a sudden flash of lightning

Then leave

And leave every part of you

Shocked

And changed

And more empty

Than you ever thought you could be.

by AVA. (Instagram: @vav.ava)

That’s exactly what you did to me. You came into my life. I fell madly and deeply for you. You left. Now I’m broken.

I told you once that I don’t think L has a single ounce of hate in her body for anyone. That’s how I feel about you. I want so badly to tell you I hate you for doing this, because if I hate you then I can’t possibly love you anymore. Maybe it would make it easier for me to heal and move on. To forget all the memories we created. In the end though, I know deep down I could never hate you.

You never once lied to me about your feelings – you were always upfront about things. It’s not your fault or mine’s that we are at different stages. I was ready to commit, and you weren’t. I thought that if I was patient enough that I could wait for you to be ready. I never stopped to think about how selfish that was of me and how much pressure that would put on you. Even though I tried to be patient, my insecurities and uncertainty of our future always seemed to be the source of our issues, and in the end, it was one of the things that led to our end.  

Even after you ended things I continued to behave selfishly. I begged you to stay and reconsider things. To give us a chance. All I could think was that if I change then you’ll stay. I could be the girl you needed me to be. When you told me that we could meet up and talk, a large part of me knew that there would be no changing your mind, but there was a tiny light of hope that told me to fight for us. I should have listened to the larger half. You had made up your mind and simply wanted to give me the closure I needed.

As always you let me say everything I felt and never once tried to defend yourself even when I said things that must have been hard to hear. A part of me wished that you had been rude or cold to me so that it would make the breakup easier. But you weren’t. You picked me up and immediately asked me how I was doing and if I had been sleeping well. You gently placed your hand on my leg for a brief second to ease my nerves because you saw me fidgeting. You held me in your arms and let me cry all over your jacket and told me that I’m strong and I’ll heal. You told me that if I wanted to be angry with you I can. You offered to buy me ice cream or boba because you knew I hadn’t eaten yet. When you drove me home, I cried the entire way and you wiped my tears, rubbed my back and told me “it’ll be okay” and to breathe. You were still the man I fell in love with.

I know breaking up with someone is never easy, especially when you have a bond and genuinely care about the other person. I have been stuck in this mentality that because I was the one rejected, only I could be hurting. I can see now that you’re hurting just as much as me. You’re acting strong for the two of us, but I can see it hurts you too because I know you genuinely do care about me. When you asked if we could be friends and in a moment of anger I said, “I can’t,” I could hear the disappointment and sadness in your voice when you responded. I explained to you that I do want to be friends, but I can’t right now, and you understood me. That’s how I know that what we had was real. That you, in your own way, do deeply care for me. It just isn’t the way I want and need.

You said you aren’t ending things to date other people, and this is more for you to get back in-touch with yourself and your goals and dreams. However, it hurts to even think about you meeting another girl. Holding her hand. Cooking meals and washing dishes together. Cuddling on the couch watching YouTube while you rub her feet because they’re cold. Taking sweet little K for evening walks or to play at the dog park. All the little things we used to do, you’ll be doing with her one day and that thought kills me inside.

Despite all this, I wasn’t lying when I said I want to be friends. I want to see you achieve your dreams, advance in your career, and find love in yourself and another. Just right now, as you said, I need to take the time to heal.

The past few mornings I wake up praying, wishing, hoping that when I open my eyes everything will have been a bad dream. That the past few days were all just a horrible nightmare and that when I open my eyes it will be New Year’s morning. You’ll be lying next to me fast asleep and little K will be curled up at our feet. I’ll wake you up and tell you all about it and you’ll hold me in your arms until I calm down while placing sweet little kisses upon my head. That’s what I hope every morning. And every morning when I open my eyes and I’m alone in my room, it hits me all over again and I’m crying. I know that one day I’ll be able to wake up and not have those thoughts. Slowly but surely, I’ll start to miss you less and less. I won’t crave your touch or to hear you call my name or call me “babe.” I won’t count the hours since our last exchange or savor the moments when you tell me you miss me. One day, I’ll wake up and I’ll be okay. I don’t know when or how long until that is, but I know it will happen.

You told me that I’m strong. That I’ll heal and find someone who can give me what I’m looking for. You’ve never once lied to me and I know deep down that what you say is true. I know I can’t be selfish and keep holding onto you. If I truly love you, I have to let you go.