Coffee Talk: Loving You Loving Me

Everyone told me that I would be okay. You told me that I would be okay. I didn’t believe any of you, but you were all right. I am okay.

When everything was so fresh and raw, I didn’t see an end to the heartbreak. I couldn’t imagine dating other people or loving someone the way I loved you. The idea made me anxious and sad. You had become the person that I wanted to try things with. The one I want to go through life with. To grow with. That’s how I felt, and I believed I would always feel that way. I couldn’t imagine that someday soon those feelings and thoughts would stop.

That’s the funny thing about our emotions though isn’t it? How you can go from being shattered and broken to healed all in one day. At least, that’s how it happened for me. Not all at one once mind you, but gradually. It took me a while to heal and figure out how to go about my days without you. Once I got there though, it only took a single moment, a single thought, to realize that I really was okay.

I think the turning point was recognizing why I loved you. I thought I knew, but I was only scratching the surface. There were layers to my love for you and I had yet to discover it.

It was the silly gifs you would message me that made me roll my eyes or a smile to form on my face. The way you held my hand when I was anxious. How we would cook dinner and you would offer me leftovers for my next meal. When we would watch movies together at night and you would promise not to fall asleep, but I knew you would, and it was annoying and cute at the same time. In the mornings, you let me sleep in even though you were awake and had been for a while. How I would be insecure about things like if I missed a spot shaving and it didn’t even bother you. When I asked if you cared that I didn’t wear makeup or dress-up every time we met, and you said I didn’t need to. It was all those little things that I thought made up my love for you, but that was just the top layer.

When I got down to the core, I realized it was how you were helping me grow as a person. On the rare occasions that I drove myself somewhere, you told me you were proud and that I just need to keep practicing. That if I got comfortable with it then I could save money on catching Lyfts to see you and put that money towards a car of my own. You encouraged me to be a bit more conscious about my health in terms of working out more often and eating healthier. We talked about money and our dreams – what we want in life. These were all things I never imagined myself being capable of achieving, but I believed I could because you were by my side. That’s why I loved you. You made me believe anything was possible.

The thing is, with you it was all just an idea. A dream of what I could accomplish and become. I didn’t do things because I simply wanted to. It was more of a “would this make K happy or proud of me?” I wasn’t doing it for me. I was doing it for you. I’m not saying that I wasn’t happy. I was. It’s just I didn’t believe in my own abilities to be able to do these things without you guiding me.

Since we’ve been apart, I’ve come to learn that I can still be that person with or without you. In fact, I’ve started driving myself to work when I’m able to borrow my mom’s car. I’m even taking the freeway; which everyone knows I’m terrified of. I’ve started working out 4-5 times a week either before or after work. I had my second therapy session and have set goals with my therapist to beat my disorder. I opened a savings account to save up for emergencies and to get my own car. I’m writing more and have told myself that I will write once a week to help get back in-touch with myself and what I enjoy. All these things that I thought I could only do with your encouragement and guidance I’m learning that I can do on my own. I’m not doing it with you in mind. I’m only thinking about me. What is going to make me feel better. What’s going to make me happy in the end. That’s what all this is about. I’m learning to grow on my own, for myself and you taught me how to do that.

In the end, I did love you. A part of me might always love you. It’s just for a different reason than I originally thought. I love you because you helped me to love myself.