Coffee Talk: Three States

 I realized that I exist in three states of being.

1. Exhaustion: I’m talking mentally, emotionally, and physically. While I’m glad to be able to still work during this ongoing pandemic, it takes its toll. The workload varies from week to week so as much as I try to prepare, it never feels enough. It leaves me mentally exhausted trying to keep up with the demands and expectations. Then between trying to date during a pandemic, family drama, and personal issues – I’m emotionally drained almost every week. Honestly, the past week was probably the first time in a long time that I haven’t felt emotionally drained. Maybe it’s the thrill of talking to someone new. I’m not sure, but I hope this ignorant bliss can keep up for a bit longer. I need a break – ya know?
   
   
2. Defeated: This goes hand in hand with exhaustion. Sometimes when I’m feeling tired, I feel like I’m not being productive enough. Or like I’m dropping the ball on things – personal and work related. In turn that makes me feel like I’m letting myself and other down. I know that people say I’m not, but it can be hard to not feel bad. There are times where I want to take a break from everything – use my saved paid vacation days and just escape. I’m all set to pick out a day to have a nice long weekend and I stop. If I do that then that’s one less person working. One less person to help answer calls and emails. To handle reports. I’d be letting my team down, right? And then I can’t even image the amount of work I’d have to make up if I took a long weekend – the amount of emails to get through. So, then it’s like I just got to keep my head down and keep working – just need to get through it. But then when does it end? When will it slow down enough for me to take a break? Never. So, then it just feels like a lose-lose scenario and I’m left feeling defeated.
   
   
3. Content: These are the special moments. The ones where I’m not feeling too overworked to the point of exhaustion. The days where I see an end in sight or a glimmer of hope. Maybe something to look forward to? I’m neither happy or sad or frustrated. I just am. It’s almost like I give into everything going on and accept it for what it is. Like sure I have a lot of work, but I have a job and that job is allowing me to make money to pay off student loans and save up for my future goals – i.e. moving out and getting a car. And yeah, I’ve had my heart broken so many times, but each experience has made me stronger in a sense and brings me closer to the person I’m meant to be with – or at least that’s what I hope. Then there’s the obvious, things could always be worse. But let’s try to stay half glass full okay?

The point is, that I really want to try to work on existing in the area of contentment more than the other two. Even better is if I could move past contentment and just be happy. Wouldn’t that be grand? Or maybe, I really just need a break from it all. A few days off to decompress and not think about anything. Now that, would really be grand.