Coffee Talk: Little Victories

We’re going to keep this sweet and short today.

I feel like there is so much negativity and sadness surrounding the state we’re currently living in and I understand it. There’s a surge of racism and violence against the Asian community. People are being laid off – whether temporarily or permanently. There’s a shortage of necessary supplies and this virus is killing people all over the world and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down. We’re told to stay home and only go out for necessities. Parks, shopping centers, movie theaters, and any other large place of gathering has been shut down. Even the park by D’s house has been tapped off with caution tape so that the kids can’t play on the playground.

At the end of the day though, we’re all still human and this lack of social interaction can be depressing. And this is coming from someone who identifies as an introvert – even introverts need to be able to go out every once in a while in my opinion.

 

This past Thursday I had a mental breakdown and while it sucked to experience, it couldn’t have come at a better time. That very same day I had a pre-scheduled therapy session with Dr. A – via phone of course to be safe. She reassured me that in moments like these where there is so much uncertainty in the world, it’s completely reasonable and understandable for anyone to experience a breakdown. She told me that it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling whether that’s sadness, anger, or gratitude. She said it’s okay to cry if I feel it becomes too much for me to internalize. And that’s what I want to tell you. It’s okay.

Feel however you’re feeling. Express it however you need to get your feelings and thoughts processed. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to go out because you feel like a caged animal, then go out. Obviously still be practicing safety – 6-feet apart, washing your hands when you get home, etc. – but go for a quick run or walk around your neighborhood. Call or text your loved ones if you need to talk to someone. Maybe take up a new hobby or get back into one you previously had.

Here’s what I’ve done and maybe it’ll help you:

·      Having an early night: Even when I’m not at D’s I’ve been trying to sleep earlier so that I wake up more refreshed and ready to tackle the day.

·      Making the bed each morning: Sure, I’m WFH, but making the bed each morning makes me feel like I’m still going through the process of actually “going” to work.

·      Cooking: This plays into trying to keep up with my eating disorder recovery, but it also helps me find balance in my day. It gives me something to do other than work all day.

·      Instagram story templates: There are so many of these templates circulating on peoples Insta stories. I’ve never personally been one to do them, but now I do one once a day to have something less serious to think about for just a few moments.

·      Snacks or dessert before bed: I’ve been enjoying a treat before bed almost as a type of reward to myself to making it through the day. Did I work today? Yes? Here’s a Nosa Honey yogurt. Did I take a walk today despite my social anxiety? Yes? Here’s a handful of Starbursts. It’s all about the little victories right now.

Coffee Talk: Five Nights and Four Days

Five nights and four days. That’s how long I got to be in your world during this time of quarantine. It was five nights and four days of seeing what your day-to-day is like. Seeing what our day-to-day could be like.

I know that there’s panic and chaos in the world right now, but you gave me serenity and safety. You helped me find a sense of normality in the midst of all this chaos. We went grocery shopping for necessities. At night we cooked dinners together – though let’s be real, it was mainly you cooking and me “attempting” to be useful. After I finished work, we went on random drives or short walks just to get out of the house for a bit. You would check on me throughout the day to see how I was doing and if I needed to vent you would listen.

My favorite part of our days were the beginning and end. Every morning you would quietly sneak out of bed, give me a kiss on the head before you left for a run or walk, shower, and then crawl back into bed and cuddle me as I slowly woke up. Every night we would eat snacks in bed while on our phones – mostly me – and  cuddle while talking about random things till we fell asleep.

To be able to experience these past few days with you was almost like a dream. Just like any dream though, there’s a point where you need to wake up and I didn’t want to. I knew that the moment I woke up, my mind would play tricks on me, and I was right. Suddenly I’m questioning everything.

Coffee Talk: Sprinkles of Joys

The past few weeks have been a real struggle. Between everything going on in the world – I’m looking at you COVID-19 – and the little things in my own little world, I feel like I’m barely keeping it together. I’ve had multiple mental breakdowns. There was even one day where I literally began and ended the day in tears. I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.

There’s a part of me that feels like I’m barely staying afloat. The other day I was literally struggling to keep a positive mindset. Then I remembered what Dr. J told me to do on bad days – find something that brings me even just a glimmer of light on my dark days. Since I can’t seem to do this in the moment, I figured what better way to remember than to just write it down.

So here we go. Here are the little sprinkles of joys in my life right now:

1. Getting a new tattoo: I’ve wanted it for months and just kept putting off. I finally got it and I couldn’t be happier.
2. Writing once a week: This started off as a recommendation from my therapists, but it has allowed me to get back in-touch with myself and what I truly enjoy.
3. Samara: I had the opportunity to speak with the founder of one of my favorite companies of all time. It was honestly such a humbling experience to be able to get to know more about the company and what she stands for. I love the brand even more than I did before.
4. My best friends: They continue to be my rock during these times. They help me laugh and not take life too seriously all the time. They give me sound advice and loving slaps back to reality when I’m slipping off the edge.
5. Rainy days: Yes, I hate driving in the rain. And yes, I hate cold weather. But when the sun peaks out for even just a little bit, it makes me appreciate those warmer days just a little more. It also gets me excited for spring and summer. Besides, California could always use some rain.
6. Dinner: I’m still uneasy about eating – thank you eating disorder – but I look forward to dinners now. Dinners mean that there’s a 75% chance that I get to see you. Sure, it may take us a while to decide what to eat and then where to go to get it, but it’s time I get to spend with you. It’s what I look forward to on really rough days.
7. Overnights at your house: You’ve helped me appreciate early nights. I’m still not a huge fan of early mornings, but I’m getting there. You feed me yummy snacks before bed with no judgment. I get to fall asleep and wake up to cuddles. What more could a girl ask for?

These are my “silver linings” and I’m going to hold onto them for dear life. Or at least till life calms down and I feel like I can breathe again.

Coffee Talk: 110 108 103

To eat or not to eat – that is the question.

And it’s a question that I have asked myself on the daily since I was 12 years old.

There have been multiple times when I’ve tried to break my disorder on my own. I would last a month here and there, but then I’d fall right back into my old tricks. I was good at hiding it. No, scratch that – I am good at hiding it. I can always find an excuse to eat the smallest amount possible or not at all. With family, I can always say, “I’ll buy or order something later” or “I already ate.” At work, I always say that there’s too much to get done to stop and eat.

I know it’s not healthy to live this way. I know that this needs to change, but how to do you break a habit that’s you’ve gone 15 years of your life doing?

 

I’ve started seeing therapists for my disorder back in December and they were able to diagnose me. Anorexia Nervosa – that’s what it is. They told me that there was a study conducted that found that there is something in a person’s genetics that can make them more inclined to develop Anorexia Nervosa. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse knowing this information. On the one hand, it’s like saying you were born with this “defect” so it’s not your fault. On the other, it feels like I was doomed from the start.

My therapists are helping me find ways to overcome my disorder and I’m trying my best to follow their advice and tips.

One of the biggest things they want me to try to work on is not weighing myself daily. Every morning and night I would – and sometimes still do – weigh myself. The number that shows up determines how much I eat. I can gain a single pound and it’s like I can immediately see it, which is ridiculous. Dr. J says that I need to train myself to understand that logically speaking, we can’t actually see ourselves gain or lose a few pounds – we need to gain or lose a lot to see the difference. The day to day fluctuations I see in my body are a result of the number I see on the scale.

At the beginning of every session Dr. A weighs me to see if there has been a dramatic shift in my weight. Since I’ve started seeing her and Dr. J, I feel like I’ve improved. I’ve gone from weighing myself twice a day to just once a day in the morning. I know it’s not much and that they would prefer I stopped weighing myself on a daily basis, but baby steps ya know? Or at least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself. The thing is, after my last session, I realized I wasn’t actually getting better like I thought I was.

When I first saw Dr. A, in December I was 110 lbs. At my second session in January she weighed me at 108 lbs. During my most recent session I weighed in at 103 lbs. The disorder in me instantly thought two things: 1. Awesome! I lost 5 lbs and 2. That’s still too heavy.

Dr. A only thought one thing: You lost 5 lbs in one month – this isn’t healthy.

She had me talk through it to see what may have caused me to lose so much weight in such a short amount of time. Was I stressed at work? Yes. Was I weighing myself twice a day still? No. Was I weighing myself in the morning? Yes. Was I still working out 5 times a week? Yes. Was I eating regularly? Sometimes. And that’s when I realized, I wasn’t getting better like I thought because I’m still letting the number on the scale dictate my life.

Since that session I've found myself falling back into my old habits. I’m skipping meals and making the same old excuses. There’s too much work to get done. It’s too late to eat a meal. I ate a big meal earlier so I shouldn’t eat again. I’ll just eat a mint or drink some tea or water to satisfy my hunger cravings. It feels like all the effort that I’ve spent trying to overcome my disorder the past 2-3 months have been for nothing.

I know that Dr. A and J told me that my disorder is never going to completely go away, but I thought that I was at least making some improvements. After that last session though, it doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to get better – not even in the slightest. And honestly, I’ve never felt more discouraged than I do right now.

I can’t let that stop me though. I need to remember that there are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. How I react is going to determine my will to recover. I can be upset at my progress and give up. Or I can use that disappointment to fuel my desire to heal. I choose the latter.

Coffee Talk: Everything and Nothing

“Be careful.” “Take things slow.” That’s what my mom keeps telling me. I should listen to her because it’s only the beginning and you already have me feeling some type of way.

We spend the majority of our time talking. Anything and everything that comes to mind we discuss. We can be silly, serious, and emotional and yet remain completely free of judgement. We’ve shared the things – both good and bad – that have happened and how it’s made us the people we are today. You indulge me and answer all the random questions I think up and never complain – even after you spent an entire afternoon answering them. We talk about what we want and what our intentions are. Right now, we’re on the same wavelength and as much as it excites me, it just as equally terrifies me.