Coffee Talk: Fight

My therapists say that humans are innately harsh on themselves – minus egotistical and self-absorbed people. They tell me that it’s normal to live in a state of wanting to constantly improve. Dr. J used to tell me each session, that my ability to recognize that I’m not “perfect” is what keeps me from being similar to a serial killer or psychopath. While that’s a comforting thought, it doesn’t make recovery any easier.

 

They say that my eating disorder has twisted my mentality into believing that not only do I need to be perfect – flawless – but also if I fail once at something, then I’m always going to fail. Dr. A says I’m holding onto my past experiences and focusing on the negative. I’m not seeing my previous attempts to beat my disorder as a positive indication of wanting to improve, but rather as a reminder that I’ve failed. She’s says I’m doing it with all aspects of my life. I’m letting one minor setback dictate the end result.

I recently had a lapse in recovery. I told Dr. A that all the hard work I’ve put in was for nothing, I’m never going to recover. I told her about C and how he probably doesn’t even like me or is bored with me already because we hardly talk anymore. She wasted no time calling me out on my bullshit. She said that I never “failed” in any of my recoveries – I just needed to learn more about it and myself. She said that I can’t assume that C is uninterested and that things are over simply because we talk less. She reminded me that my past doesn’t not define my future and that I need to stop looking at it that way. Instead, I need to take each setback or fight or situation and make it a learning moment.

 

I had a lapse in recovery. Okay. Assess it. What’s been going on in my life – that month, week, exact day – that led up to that moment? How did I feel before, during, and after? What did I do after the fact? What am I going to continue to do or not do? Dr. A talked me through it all and we hashed it out. We narrowed everything down and then we did the exact same thing for C. Now, she did joking say that speaking strictly as a mother, and NOT my therapist, that I should tell him to fuck off because I’m better than him. But then she said for the sake of being professional and helping me to find ways to positively work through my issues we had to find the source of the problem. So, we did it again. What’s been going on in my life – that month, week, exact day – that led up to that moment? How did I feel before, during, and after? What did I do after the fact? What am I going to continue to do or not do?

 

Once we worked through everything it came down to just one question: am I going to give up or keep fighting?

 

The answer… I’m going to fight.