Coffee Talk: What Now

Things at home have always been tumulus and rocky, but the past week launched the dynamic into a whole new atmosphere. Despite how tense things would get a home, I was sure that we could always work through it. Maybe not completely, but we could at least exist somewhat peacefully. Given the current events that have occurred, I don’t think know if we can continue on this path that we’ve been gingerly walking.

 

I’ve always been clear about not wanting to choose sides between my family. I hate hearing them scream and argue with one another. All my life, I’ve done my best to make myself scarce whenever a fight broke out at home. Sure, I would give my opinions when asked, but I would try to see things from both sides. I don’t think I remain neutral in this new territory we’re in though. In this fight, there’s a clear indication of who was in the wrong – there’s no excuse to be made. No way defense to be used.

 

While both parties are taking the appropriate time to get away and let things cool down, I’m not sure there’s a way to fix what has transpired. We were already walking on a wobbly bridge, and now we’re on tightropes. The optimistic and naïve side of me had always hoped that we could make things work no matter what. Reality has slapped me so hard that now I can’t deny that we were holding a ticking time bomb just waiting for the explosion. Well, it looks like we’ve run out of time – and boy was it an explosion. There’s no way we can fully heal from the damage caused. We have to find a new way to move on.

 

I’ve started making plans to put myself in a better and healthier situation, but that’s a “long term” goal so to speak. What do I do in the meantime? Things are definitely not going to be the same and there’s zero chance of it going back to how they used to be. The things said made sure of that. I’ll continue to keep my opinions to myself unless asked. I’ll be polite and cordial, but there’s no denying that there’s a level of respect that’s been lost. So, the question that remains, is where do I go from here?

Coffee Talk: Exhausted

I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’ve been lying to myself saying that everything is fine. Nothing is fine and I think the past week finally broke me.

 

Each day felt like it dragged on and on and on. Each day I woke up and I told myself that I just needed to make it through the day. One more day and then it’s the weekend – just one more day. Then the weekend came, and I thought that I would be fine, but I wasn’t. At least during the week, I could distract myself with my work for the majority of the day. It allowed me to focus on work matters instead of personal matters. The weekend is work-free though. No emails to respond to, phone calls to take. Just two days to spend doing whatever I want, and this weekend, all my mind wanted to do was fight itself. There was no hiding from my emotions and thoughts – everything was fair game during the weekend. The weekend became my enemy.

Coffee Talk: Sometimes I Miss You

Sometimes I miss you. It’s a fleeting feeling – not long enough for it to hurt, but long enough to be noticed.

 

Sometimes I wonder how you’re doing. I think about texting you to check-in. To see if you passed your test to get certified. To ask how your parents are adjusting to the move. How you’re doing being around them so much.

 

As much as I wonder, I’ll never reach out. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m scared you won’t respond. Or perhaps, I’m scared that you will, and you’ll tell me you’re doing great without me. Or possibly, it’s a matter of pride. I’m happy and I’m moving on – talking and seeing new people, focusing on “fixing” myself as you put it – but if I reach out first, does that mean you still have some invisible hold over me?

Coffee Talk: A New Age

I’m turning 28 tomorrow and at a time like this, it feels weird to want to celebrate my birthday. There’s so much tragedy and unjust in the world – especially as of late – that to take the time to celebrate feels selfish.

 

I spent the weekend “celebrating” my birthday and it’s been bittersweet. I was finally able to see my K and M after months of being apart. I got to spend a relaxing day with my M, D, and C. It’s a weird feeling though to feel momentarily happy while the rest of the world is in chaos. There’s a large part of me that feels like I should be putting all my attention on educating myself on Black Lives Matter and the struggles POC have suffer through on a daily basis. It’s almost like by celebrating my birthday further emphasizes my privilege because I have the opportunity to acknowledge that I’m turning a new age.