Coffee Talk: Sometimes I Miss You

Sometimes I miss you. It’s a fleeting feeling – not long enough for it to hurt, but long enough to be noticed.

 

Sometimes I wonder how you’re doing. I think about texting you to check-in. To see if you passed your test to get certified. To ask how your parents are adjusting to the move. How you’re doing being around them so much.

 

As much as I wonder, I’ll never reach out. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m scared you won’t respond. Or perhaps, I’m scared that you will, and you’ll tell me you’re doing great without me. Or possibly, it’s a matter of pride. I’m happy and I’m moving on – talking and seeing new people, focusing on “fixing” myself as you put it – but if I reach out first, does that mean you still have some invisible hold over me?

In the passing moments where I think about you, I wonder if you were lying when you said you wanted to be friends. The prideful part of me refuses to reach out because I told myself I wouldn’t chase you anymore – not for love, not for a serious relationship, and not for a friendship. And maybe that also makes me petty.

 

The other thing is, and this is probably a truly petty reasoning, is that I want you to be the one who reaches out. I want you to tell me that you miss me immensely and regret letting me go – that you messed up. It’s totally messed for me to basically hope that you’re somewhat miserable without me, but the way things ended left a bitter taste in my mouth. You took me from walking on cloud nine to pushing me off the edge with no warning and no way to safely land. It makes me feel awful to want you to be in pain without me because it’s not like you wished ill thoughts onto me – or at least I don’t think you did – especially when I’m no longer feeling broken over you.

 

I’ll never know how you are though because as prideful as I am, you’re worse. Not once in our time together did you ever ask for help. You never confided in me with how you felt about things. Never vented to me when work was tough. You took everything in and dealt with it on your own. Sure, you said it was because you didn’t want to bother people, but the thing is it’s not bothering anyone if they offer to listen and be there. You can’t save a drowning person if they refuse the life buoy. Even something as simple as missing someone – you couldn’t do that because you literally “don’t miss people.” In that regard, maybe it wasn’t pride. Maybe you were just emotionally cold and distant with me.

 

I let you in. Let you see my flaws. My scars. See my vulnerabilities and insecurities. See the good days and the bad days – and let’s be real, there were a lot of bad days.

 

You let me see the “perfect” and relaxed side of you. The put together, got life figured out, always improving, half glass full side of you.

 

At the end of the day, it would just be nice to know you genuinely did care like I thought you did when we were together. Like you said you did when you ended things. Unfortunately, the reality is that unless I cave there’s zero chance of us remaining in each other’s lives as friends like you said we would.