Coffee Talk: Three States

 I realized that I exist in three states of being.

1. Exhaustion: I’m talking mentally, emotionally, and physically. While I’m glad to be able to still work during this ongoing pandemic, it takes its toll. The workload varies from week to week so as much as I try to prepare, it never feels enough. It leaves me mentally exhausted trying to keep up with the demands and expectations. Then between trying to date during a pandemic, family drama, and personal issues – I’m emotionally drained almost every week. Honestly, the past week was probably the first time in a long time that I haven’t felt emotionally drained. Maybe it’s the thrill of talking to someone new. I’m not sure, but I hope this ignorant bliss can keep up for a bit longer. I need a break – ya know?
   
   

Coffee Talk: Sucker for Love

Sometimes I wonder why I always tend to go for the wrong guy. The one who is either emotionally unavailable or too focused on his career. It’s like I tell myself that I want the career driven guy, but then he’s so focused on his career that he “doesn’t have time for a relationship.” Or it’s like they show signs of being emotionally unavailable and I’m out here thinking that I can change their mind. Like girl, please.

If I had known a year ago that the rollercoaster I was about to embark on would be full of so many twists and turns, I might have reconsidered getting on. Don’t get me wrong – I still want love and a committed relationship that hopefully lead to a marriage and family one day. It’s just I forgot how much dating sucks.

Dating as a teen versus dating as an adult has their own set of complications. As teens we don’t have life figured out – we’re just hormonal and full of questions. I thought that surely dating as an adult would be easier. I figured, we’d know what we want and there wouldn’t be these childish games to play anymore. I thought it would be as simple as, “are you looking for a fling or something serious?” “You want a family and kids or nah?” “How about politics and religion? Values and beliefs?” I was so naïve to think that everyone would have it figured out by now.

Coffee Talk: Back to Normal

D and M came back from Maryland and I didn’t realize just how much I missed them. They’re my people – my rock.

 

I’m not close with my family. I’ve tried to be, but ever since the blow out, it’s hard. I can’t ignore blatant wrongs that occurred. I’m still be polite, but there’s a level of respect that’s been lost and who knows if it can ever be regained. Sure, my dad would make sure I ate dinner – though sometimes I wish he would let me be instead of trying to force food at me. Like homie, let me and my disorder repair on its own.

 

With D and M back, things are almost back to normal. Or well, normal between us – some things won’t ever be the same.

Coffee Talk: Simple Pleasures

A few simple pleasures this past week:

• A warm cup of loose-leaf tea in the morning and before bed.
• Shout out to L and P for the birthday gifts that go hand-in-hand. I’m still making my way through the variety of selections, but I think the green teas are my favorite so far.
• Re-watching Grey’s Anatomy to unwind after work.
• How come Meredith never gave that Thorpe guy a second chance when she was ready to start dating? Just wondering. 
• Indulging in some retail therapy – got some new scrunchies, a new dress, and some makeup.
• After the purchase of the dress I realize that this is why my FBI agent keeps putting expensive brands ads on my Instagram feed. I’m the sucker that keeps clicking on the ads too so that probably doesn’t help. Will I regret these purchases? Hello no. I may not be able to wear the dress out anytime soon and I probably won’t do my makeup either, but maybe one day during this pandemic I’ll just say screw it and play dress up for kicks and giggles.

Coffee Talk: July Thoughts

Thoughts I’ve had recently:

1. Do I splurge and buy that $651 vanity? I don’t need a new vanity, but this one looks so sleek and sophisticated. It has a built-in section on the tabletop that would be perfect to hold my skincare products. There are two drawers that I can store backup products, makeup, hair-ties and scrunchies, and other miscellaneous items. But $651. Is it really worth it?
   
   
2. Should I buy a new bookcase? My current one is fine, but it doesn’t really match the rest of my furniture and that kind of bugs me. I’d also like a bookcase with option for storage to hold files, important documents, bills, etc. But again, like the vanity, does I really need it right now?
   
   
3. Am I in the right frame of mind to start working out on a regular basis again? I want to say recovery is going well, but that’s a lie – I mean I had that lapse a few weekends ago. If I start working out, will I be able to recognize when to stop and when I’ve gone too far? I’m scared that if I start working out regularly again that I’m going to slip back into old habits of over doing it to lose weight and stay “skinny.” My therapists say that I won’t know till I try, but when do I know I’m ready to try? How do I know?
   

Coffee Talk: Fight

My therapists say that humans are innately harsh on themselves – minus egotistical and self-absorbed people. They tell me that it’s normal to live in a state of wanting to constantly improve. Dr. J used to tell me each session, that my ability to recognize that I’m not “perfect” is what keeps me from being similar to a serial killer or psychopath. While that’s a comforting thought, it doesn’t make recovery any easier.

 

They say that my eating disorder has twisted my mentality into believing that not only do I need to be perfect – flawless – but also if I fail once at something, then I’m always going to fail. Dr. A says I’m holding onto my past experiences and focusing on the negative. I’m not seeing my previous attempts to beat my disorder as a positive indication of wanting to improve, but rather as a reminder that I’ve failed. She’s says I’m doing it with all aspects of my life. I’m letting one minor setback dictate the end result.

Coffee Talk: What Now

Things at home have always been tumulus and rocky, but the past week launched the dynamic into a whole new atmosphere. Despite how tense things would get a home, I was sure that we could always work through it. Maybe not completely, but we could at least exist somewhat peacefully. Given the current events that have occurred, I don’t think know if we can continue on this path that we’ve been gingerly walking.

 

I’ve always been clear about not wanting to choose sides between my family. I hate hearing them scream and argue with one another. All my life, I’ve done my best to make myself scarce whenever a fight broke out at home. Sure, I would give my opinions when asked, but I would try to see things from both sides. I don’t think I remain neutral in this new territory we’re in though. In this fight, there’s a clear indication of who was in the wrong – there’s no excuse to be made. No way defense to be used.

 

While both parties are taking the appropriate time to get away and let things cool down, I’m not sure there’s a way to fix what has transpired. We were already walking on a wobbly bridge, and now we’re on tightropes. The optimistic and naïve side of me had always hoped that we could make things work no matter what. Reality has slapped me so hard that now I can’t deny that we were holding a ticking time bomb just waiting for the explosion. Well, it looks like we’ve run out of time – and boy was it an explosion. There’s no way we can fully heal from the damage caused. We have to find a new way to move on.

 

I’ve started making plans to put myself in a better and healthier situation, but that’s a “long term” goal so to speak. What do I do in the meantime? Things are definitely not going to be the same and there’s zero chance of it going back to how they used to be. The things said made sure of that. I’ll continue to keep my opinions to myself unless asked. I’ll be polite and cordial, but there’s no denying that there’s a level of respect that’s been lost. So, the question that remains, is where do I go from here?