Coffee Talk: Simple Pleasures

A few simple pleasures this past week:

• A warm cup of loose-leaf tea in the morning and before bed.
• Shout out to L and P for the birthday gifts that go hand-in-hand. I’m still making my way through the variety of selections, but I think the green teas are my favorite so far.
• Re-watching Grey’s Anatomy to unwind after work.
• How come Meredith never gave that Thorpe guy a second chance when she was ready to start dating? Just wondering. 
• Indulging in some retail therapy – got some new scrunchies, a new dress, and some makeup.
• After the purchase of the dress I realize that this is why my FBI agent keeps putting expensive brands ads on my Instagram feed. I’m the sucker that keeps clicking on the ads too so that probably doesn’t help. Will I regret these purchases? Hello no. I may not be able to wear the dress out anytime soon and I probably won’t do my makeup either, but maybe one day during this pandemic I’ll just say screw it and play dress up for kicks and giggles.

Coffee Talk: July Thoughts

Thoughts I’ve had recently:

1. Do I splurge and buy that $651 vanity? I don’t need a new vanity, but this one looks so sleek and sophisticated. It has a built-in section on the tabletop that would be perfect to hold my skincare products. There are two drawers that I can store backup products, makeup, hair-ties and scrunchies, and other miscellaneous items. But $651. Is it really worth it?
   
   
2. Should I buy a new bookcase? My current one is fine, but it doesn’t really match the rest of my furniture and that kind of bugs me. I’d also like a bookcase with option for storage to hold files, important documents, bills, etc. But again, like the vanity, does I really need it right now?
   
   
3. Am I in the right frame of mind to start working out on a regular basis again? I want to say recovery is going well, but that’s a lie – I mean I had that lapse a few weekends ago. If I start working out, will I be able to recognize when to stop and when I’ve gone too far? I’m scared that if I start working out regularly again that I’m going to slip back into old habits of over doing it to lose weight and stay “skinny.” My therapists say that I won’t know till I try, but when do I know I’m ready to try? How do I know?
   

Coffee Talk: Fight

My therapists say that humans are innately harsh on themselves – minus egotistical and self-absorbed people. They tell me that it’s normal to live in a state of wanting to constantly improve. Dr. J used to tell me each session, that my ability to recognize that I’m not “perfect” is what keeps me from being similar to a serial killer or psychopath. While that’s a comforting thought, it doesn’t make recovery any easier.

 

They say that my eating disorder has twisted my mentality into believing that not only do I need to be perfect – flawless – but also if I fail once at something, then I’m always going to fail. Dr. A says I’m holding onto my past experiences and focusing on the negative. I’m not seeing my previous attempts to beat my disorder as a positive indication of wanting to improve, but rather as a reminder that I’ve failed. She’s says I’m doing it with all aspects of my life. I’m letting one minor setback dictate the end result.

Coffee Talk: What Now

Things at home have always been tumulus and rocky, but the past week launched the dynamic into a whole new atmosphere. Despite how tense things would get a home, I was sure that we could always work through it. Maybe not completely, but we could at least exist somewhat peacefully. Given the current events that have occurred, I don’t think know if we can continue on this path that we’ve been gingerly walking.

 

I’ve always been clear about not wanting to choose sides between my family. I hate hearing them scream and argue with one another. All my life, I’ve done my best to make myself scarce whenever a fight broke out at home. Sure, I would give my opinions when asked, but I would try to see things from both sides. I don’t think I remain neutral in this new territory we’re in though. In this fight, there’s a clear indication of who was in the wrong – there’s no excuse to be made. No way defense to be used.

 

While both parties are taking the appropriate time to get away and let things cool down, I’m not sure there’s a way to fix what has transpired. We were already walking on a wobbly bridge, and now we’re on tightropes. The optimistic and naïve side of me had always hoped that we could make things work no matter what. Reality has slapped me so hard that now I can’t deny that we were holding a ticking time bomb just waiting for the explosion. Well, it looks like we’ve run out of time – and boy was it an explosion. There’s no way we can fully heal from the damage caused. We have to find a new way to move on.

 

I’ve started making plans to put myself in a better and healthier situation, but that’s a “long term” goal so to speak. What do I do in the meantime? Things are definitely not going to be the same and there’s zero chance of it going back to how they used to be. The things said made sure of that. I’ll continue to keep my opinions to myself unless asked. I’ll be polite and cordial, but there’s no denying that there’s a level of respect that’s been lost. So, the question that remains, is where do I go from here?

Coffee Talk: Exhausted

I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’ve been lying to myself saying that everything is fine. Nothing is fine and I think the past week finally broke me.

 

Each day felt like it dragged on and on and on. Each day I woke up and I told myself that I just needed to make it through the day. One more day and then it’s the weekend – just one more day. Then the weekend came, and I thought that I would be fine, but I wasn’t. At least during the week, I could distract myself with my work for the majority of the day. It allowed me to focus on work matters instead of personal matters. The weekend is work-free though. No emails to respond to, phone calls to take. Just two days to spend doing whatever I want, and this weekend, all my mind wanted to do was fight itself. There was no hiding from my emotions and thoughts – everything was fair game during the weekend. The weekend became my enemy.

Coffee Talk: A New Age

I’m turning 28 tomorrow and at a time like this, it feels weird to want to celebrate my birthday. There’s so much tragedy and unjust in the world – especially as of late – that to take the time to celebrate feels selfish.

 

I spent the weekend “celebrating” my birthday and it’s been bittersweet. I was finally able to see my K and M after months of being apart. I got to spend a relaxing day with my M, D, and C. It’s a weird feeling though to feel momentarily happy while the rest of the world is in chaos. There’s a large part of me that feels like I should be putting all my attention on educating myself on Black Lives Matter and the struggles POC have suffer through on a daily basis. It’s almost like by celebrating my birthday further emphasizes my privilege because I have the opportunity to acknowledge that I’m turning a new age.

Coffee Talk: Black Lives Matter

In light of recent events, I wanted to share my thoughts on the protests going on. Now please bear in mind that I am still trying to educate myself, and in a way, will always still be learning about the struggles that black people face. I apologize if I offend anyone, but I simply want to give an insight into my perspective on things.

Now, I’m not blind to racism. My family was good about making sure I understood how to recognize it and teaching me to stand up for myself and others if I see it happening. Though I am a minority and have faced slight racism growing up, it’s nothing compared to what the black community has had to face their entire lives. Sure, I’ve been called “chink” and had people mock me in “Asian” accents, but I don’t think that’s nearly the same as the things the black community has faced. I’ve never had to fear for my life from authority figures or even regular people. Maybe recently in light of the coronavirus, but even then, not to the extent that black people deal with on the daily basis since forever.