Coffee Talk: Exhausted

I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’ve been lying to myself saying that everything is fine. Nothing is fine and I think the past week finally broke me.

 

Each day felt like it dragged on and on and on. Each day I woke up and I told myself that I just needed to make it through the day. One more day and then it’s the weekend – just one more day. Then the weekend came, and I thought that I would be fine, but I wasn’t. At least during the week, I could distract myself with my work for the majority of the day. It allowed me to focus on work matters instead of personal matters. The weekend is work-free though. No emails to respond to, phone calls to take. Just two days to spend doing whatever I want, and this weekend, all my mind wanted to do was fight itself. There was no hiding from my emotions and thoughts – everything was fair game during the weekend. The weekend became my enemy.

It seems so trivial to sit here and have an internal battle with myself. There are so many larger issues going on – i.e. racism and the Coronavirus – so for me to spend the weekend in turmoil over my personal issues feels ridiculous. One moment I’m venting and crying to D. The next moment I’m eating my feelings. Then I’m feeling guilty about eating and spending the remainder of the day or night trying to talk myself down from purging. Then the cycle repeats.

 

It’s a vicious cycle – one that I thought I was done fighting. I know that Dr. J and Dr. A tell me that my demons will never fully disappear, but I had been doing so well in recovery that I thought I was fine. This past weekend showed me just how right they are. It’s been so easy to face my demons when I was “happy,” but I haven’t been happy the past few days. I’m hurting, feeling like a wounded animal who keeps getting kicked while they’re down. It’s harder to fight back when I’m already feeling defeated.

 

There were moments today where I wanted to give in to the demons. Maybe not all of them, but the ones who would help make me feel better. The demons who would distract me from the mental and emotional pains. I know that logically speaking, giving in wouldn’t actually make me better. It would only be a temporary distraction or “solution,” but I’m so tired of fighting myself that I wonder if taking the “easy” way out would be better.

 

I can’t though. I can’t give in and go back to how things used to be just because I’m tired. Not if I want to move forward with my life. I mean, why pay all this money for therapy if I’m just going to lapse back into old habits? Why try to begin with?

 

I want to get better right? Yes. I do and I will. Or at least, I hope I can.